draygen59's Blog

Sigh..... this was my second attempt of trying to delete my profile but it's a bit hard for me especially when someone gives me the idea to just think about it and try to put my profile on vacation. Soooo, that is what I am doing now. I am going on vacation.

I will be gone for a while since there is so much going on right now and too much to explain. I just really need to get my head straight and focused. I may be heading for the best or the worst but needless to say things are going to happen in my life.  I wish everyone well. :)

Starting off on Monday, Halloween. Me and the kids always look forward to holidays but Halloween has always been OUR holiday so to speak. But that day, their father ruined it for everyone. Even his own son. He is despicable! My oldest even said that she wished he was... well.. you get the point. When I first picked them up from his house, my son got in the car, then my oldest where she said that, then my other daughter came out crying. Then as the night went by, their dad called and wanted to meet them somewhere so that they can take pictures of them with their baby sister. So we told him to meet us at this park where there was a carnival and it was close to his place. He accused them of trying to meet a friend that he told them not to and he lied to them saying that she said she was going to be there herself on FB. But, my daughter told me that her mom said she could not go so there was no reason for her to say that and they even looked it up on FB on her profile and it wasn't  even there.
I have been thinking a lot of what actions I need to do now in order for my children to try and have a sane life. I know it will be tough  but I also know that my 15 and 16 year olds can decide who they want to live with. Then there is my 10 year old which will be possibly harder to get custody.
Then came Tuesday at work where I realized I had a fever. So I went home and took something for it and wok-up in the middle of the night sweating. I thought I was fine the next day but I only stayed at worked for about 3 hours until I decided I just was not going to make it. I went home, started getting chills, got up and went to the Dr. Got the kids and bought some dinner then went back to bed. Wednesday and Thursday nights I spent my time shaking in my bed freezing. I was moving so hard that I popped both shoulders and both were sore the next day. I would wake up sweating then feeling ok. Then later I would start to sweat again and get a bit light-headed. Last night was much better though. I slept normal for the most part except for the slight headache I have had for the last few days as well. And I am definitely behind on my homework as well. (sigh) I think I am about ready to drop out. Things are getting too much right now to handle. :(

I figured this would happen sooner or later. I made an appointment last week for this Friday to get a blood test for a blood cancer that my mom has. It's hereditary so I need to make note of it now. I have been getting nausea, woozy, fatigue, and one other symptom that is listed for this illness. Not that it can't be something else but I am now taking precautions. Not sure what it will do for me if I do know.... if I have it.

I've been a little stress about it. Trying to go on with my days not letting it bother me but I can see the effects that my stress does on me so it's unavoidable. Need to start taking my multi-vitamins and vitamin B-complex again. It helps! I'm getting dark circles under my eyes... so gross! >:(  Losing my appetite. Not too mention my job is stressing me out as well. I had to drop a class yesterday because of work. I was feeling like shit! When I got my instructor to sign my drop form.... I walked out with my eyes starting to tear up. I felt like a failure. I feel like I can't do everything anymore because I'm becoming worn out. Lol... what a joke right? Saying that I'm old. I don't care. I am getting older and dying every minute. It makes me wonder why I'm even here in the first place. Or any of us for that matter.

So... what if I do end up having this cancer... what then? Live with it and be on chemo the rest of my life like my mom? I have read that there have been cases where people have gotten over it completely. I guess I won't know until I really find out if I do have it or not.

I went to the store earlier and met up with a friend I haven't seen in a few years. He use to hang out at the shop I use to work at before he went to work and sometimes after work. A totally great guy... the guy next door! Kind of guy you know is one of those few that are the "good" guys. :)

He's going through a rough time right now, divorce, so we plan on hangin out just to get his mind out of that bad spot. A dinner and hangin at his older bro's place with some other friends I probably haven't seen either in years. LOL! This is going to be interesting... for sure. :D

Today,  I was feeling in a not so good mood because of my allergies. My head had pressure to where if you bend down..you didn't want to get back up. I felt terrible but stuck in there.
Later on during a recess duty, I received a call from my daughter at school..high school. She said that she had forgotten her money for lunch and had called her father and asked him if he could drive over to her school and bring her some money. She did not eat for breakfast because she didn't felt like it and then she couldn't eat lunch. She was feeling bad and had to go to her P.E. class which didn't make things any better. her dad was not at work and was already upset for having to get up and drive over there just to give his daughter money to eat. He said they were going over there but that he didn't think that they will make it before class. She asked him if he can still try. With that... he had told her that since she was giving him an attitiude, that she could go hungry. I had to leave work and drive 35 minutes into town, noting that he only had to drive about 10 minutes, to pick her up and take her to a McDonald's to get her food so that she wouldn't be sick the rest of the day which school was out by 3:30. I hugged her and kissed her bye and then got into my car and cried on the way back to work.
The thought of her own father treating her this way broke my heart even more than when he treated me like shit. I would have never thought that my daughter would have to endure such cruelty.. at the least from her father.

     Already 54 minutes into the new year. I just got home from my cousins house. Now that I have settled in at home I started to really wonder what this year is going to bring to me and my family and friends. Even though I can't control their lives or my friends I know I can control mine and keep pushing myself to do better no matter what it takes.

     I have to keep pushing those books and get through school which is so important to me right now. I know I have a lot to give to kids and people out there. I know I have a talent that I need to express and I know that I'm good at it.

     I also need to make up my mind on where I want to go later on. I'm tired of staying in one spot and I need to move because I need to know whats out there for me. I totally have my friends support, now I need my families and that will probably be the hardest part about it. That might even mean moving out of state as well. It's a big decision to consider but it just feels right.

     So it begins....hoping all goes well for everyone else around me and everyone out there. Lets hope that there is Hope for all of us and may our blessings be answered.

Sitting here in front of my computer. Just finishing watching "Company of Wolves." Very weird but beauiful movie. Went to work and spent a worthless 6 hours of copying and cutting sheets for 3rd grade teachers to get stuff ready for next school year. They even thought it was worthless. But at least we are getting paid for it. I also dropped out of my class at the college. Got too overwhelmed. I was already behind and didn't even start yet. I needed a break. Some time to myself to relax. Still trying to decide if I should go for an A.A. in art or A.A.S. in business. Been thinking about opening a coffee shop somewhere around where I live or in the Phoenix area. I like working with kids but I love working with customers and creating. It's just what I do best. I have been in restaurant and customer service most of my working career. I wish someone could just tell me what to do. Very indecisive right now. Well, need to go for now. Close to bed time. Good night! xoxo

     ..yesterday. He is really happy I talked him into it. :D I bought him a uniform right after his first lesson. He was really disappointed about the other class I put him in during the summer. They were doing such childish games in there that he got so embarrassed and started to cry when they tried to get him to participate. :( Poor little fella. I had to take him out. He thinks he is a big boy like his dad and grandpa so he wants to do guy stuff. Not the kiddy stuff. Hes so cute! Mmmuaaahh!

     It's 1 :40 a.m., can't go to sleep. I'm stressed out right now because of a certain meeting that is going to happen at 1:30 p.m. today. I should have gone to the track and ran for a while but it was to late. Nobody out there right now and probably not safe either. That really doesn't sound like me. I'm definately getting old or something. :D Anyways, I can't help but feel so terrible for all the teachers who just found out yesterday around 10 a.m. that they were not going to have a job for the next school year. I looked up at one teacher who just sat in the mailroom and just looked so depressed and was going to cry. I had to walk out. There is really nothing that I can do. I can bitch, but I will lose my job as well. Not that it looks so good right now. That is what this meeting is about. All the aides are going to find out if they have a job for the next school year as well. I just don't see why education and medical is the least importance in our state. There is just so much greed now. Nobody cares about what we need to provide for us and our children. They just care about business and how much money they get.

     At work now. Finding things out this morning that I really didn't want to hear. I have to worry if I have to find a job for the summer if there is no summer school. And, I also have to worry about whether or not I will even have a job next year. :( Not good! I hate job hunting. I thought I would have a job security at my employment but I am feeling that it just works like every place else. Working at a school I guess just isn't different. I love working here and I don't want to leave but I feel I really need to do what's right for me. I can't sit here and wait to see if the worst will happen.

     Yep! It's that day for me like everyone else who has to work on Mondays. This weekend went by too damn fast! At least it rained. I love the rain in the mornings when it wakes me up. But, I'm back at work now waiting for 2 more weeks to be Spring Break. God I can't wait!!!!